yesterday... i went to my aunt salon and ya... there i was sitting and i simply broke down and starting tearing.... at the point of having some thoughts... tears jus welled up in my eyes and i couldn't hold it and ya... i jus cry...i managed to hold it for a while and i started crying again at the interchange and also in the bus.... until i simply fall asleep on the bus and i only had my mp3 for company... and den i went to my aunt hse instead of going home and staring at the things that i had to do and had no mood for it and definitely, getting frustrated at myself all over again...
wat exactly am i thinking at the moment? i admit that i'm really ain't that good in stress management or rather... i could have manage it well if i have the resources which i pathetically dun have... things have been getting on my nerves and i hate to say this but my soul and heart doesn't seem to dwell into studies anymore... no information could go into my brain and during lessons... i practically sit there and start to stone... really stone... and i started questioning myself... what's the purpose of me studying all this things? do they help at all? why do i feel so alone and stressed? am i the only one struggling here? why am i working so hard for? am i wasting my time here? should i have gone somewhere else to do smth that i feel is meaningful? this were the thoughts that ran in my mind... i know... these are all negative thoughts... but these are also the ones that questions the way i'm living my life now....why must i try to please everyone else but not myself?
logically speaking... i am studying for my future... my very own future... i know that... but somehow... i feel restricted... really restricted... i mean that there are a lot of ways to achieve certain things... but somehow.. the society deems that studying is the WAY....what people are looking out for are qualifications... i beg to differ anyway... everyone is born to do things differently... we each have different ways of doing things... different people excel in different areas and why is it that we are forced to be mark based on the same standards? come to think of it... i find it pretty funny... i've been studying all these years for a SINGLE PIECE OF IMPORTANT PAPER...
People from the past have survived without these papers but somehow over the years... i am instilled with the perception that i wouldn't be able to survive without this paper.... if without this paper... my life will be full of obstacles and yada yada... u guys know what i'm talking abt.... is my perception wrong or its simply a fact? people have been asking me if i feel like quitting school and maybe find a job to settle down with? frankly speaking.... if given a choice... i would really love to... i like to experience something more exciting like working and not being bored to death by books books and more books... apparently... i'm not given a choice... afterall... my highest qualification is only O levels and i hate to give it all up after all the time i've been struggling... from secondary school to poly... ARGH!!!
as a poly student... i can say my life is different from what i experienced in secondary school... however... i'm still kept in the same boundary... restrictions, restrictions and restrictions!!! actually there isn't much difference from being a poly student and a secondary school student... jus that poly students dun have to wear uniform, have a flexible time table, projects instead of homework(which is like no difference), there are tests and exams and ya... a significant difference is subjects(unlike in sec sch, we only have abt half a year to "master" that subject, which is a challenge for the not-so-bright students, someone like me for an instance)... whateva i learnt in sec sch seems to me that there is no use for it anymore....
that's enough for today...
